Stop The Blame Game -Part2

If You’ve Been Playing the Blame Game, Here’s How to Stop
If you’ve been making excuses for your child’s behavior, you need to be straightforward in addressing the problem. The “Alternative Response” method in The Total Transformation Program is a helpful guideline to this kind of conversation. Sit down with your child and point out that whatever it is you’re doing now isn’t working any more. Gauge your remarks based upon the age and developmental level of your child. The younger the child, the more simplistic the conversation has to be. In any case, the conversation should be brief and to the point. I can’t stress enough the importance of not making a lot of justifications or giving in to emotionalism. Don’t say, “I’m sorry we let you down.” A simple, “This isn’t helping you,” is fine. Explanations longer than that invite arguments which we like to avoid when we can.

This is your chance to make a fresh start. You can say, “Our relationship with the school hasn’t really been working, and how we’ve been handling things hasn’t been working. We don’t think it’s giving you what you really need. So from now on, when you don’t do your homework, this is how we’re going to handle it. If you’re abusive with our neighbors or friends or schoolmates, this is how we’ll handle it.” Spell out what will happen if they don’t follow the rules: “From now on, if you don’t do your homework, you won’t be allowed to watch TV until it’s done. If we see you abusing people, you won’t be allowed to play your video games for the rest of the day.” The best method is to have a short conversation, and then say, “I have something else I have to do now,” and go do it. Don’t make it a long, drawn-out affair.

Later on, follow through on the consequences you’ve laid out. You should expect a response that includes a wide range of acting out behavior, from verbal abuse to threats of non-performance, to sullen silence. Nonetheless, if you stick with this, in the long run, you’re doing your child a big favor. Accountability for basic responsibility creates change. Excuses stifle change.

It's not about "Fault"--It's about Responsibility

When kids focus on excuses, parents need to focus on responsibility. Of course, some excuses are valid, and the responsibility for knowing how to sort that out rests with the parent. But many, many excuses are just simply that: thoughts children use to excuse themselves from not meeting their responsibilities. When those are raised in a conversation where a child wants to shift the focus away from the responsibility and onto the excuse, parents have to shift it back from excuse and onto the matter at hand: the child’s responsibility.

So if you say, "Why didn’t you do your homework," the parent is really asking, "Why didn’t you meet your responsibility?” When your child says, “I forgot to bring my book home again,” he’s really saying, “It’s not my fault that I didn’t meet my responsibility.” You need to respond by saying, “We’re not talking about whose fault it is, we’re talking about whose responsibility it is.” In that way, you can shift the focus back onto the child’s responsibilities and you won’t get stuck in an argument about the nature of the excuse. If the child makes excuses about misbehavior, respond, “We’re not talking about why you misbehaved, we’re talking about why you didn’t meet your responsibility.”

If you argue or debate about the excuse, you’re simply encouraging your child to come up with bigger and better ones.

My advice to parents: Don’t argue, just focus on the responsibility.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.

Stop The Blame Game -Part 1

When parents realize that their child might have either a behavioral or learning problem, the first thing many do is blame themselves. Parents are usually very frightened and worried about their children’s behavior. This fear often manifests itself in negative ways. One of those ways is blame.

As problems continue, they start to externalize the blame to other people or institutions. They blame therapists and teachers who are ineffective in managing their child. As the child gets older, parents blame his friends or the neighborhood or the music he listens to. As the child grows into a young adult, they blame drugs and alcohol, or our culture.

One of the real tragedies of dealing with behaviorally disordered children is when you see everybody blaming each other. The parent blames the teacher, the teacher blames the parent, the child blames both the teacher and the parents, and it goes on and on. I’ve seen many parents get stuck in battles that don’t help their children. Don’t get me wrong, parents often have to battle to get their kids the services they need in the school’s economic environment. But all too often, parents use those issues and others as excuses to justify their child’s lack of behavioral or academic development, and that becomes a habit that’s hard to break. Parents can literally become dependent on blame. After all, it’s easier to fight with the school than it is to fight with behaviorally disordered kids. Again, I’m not minimizing the resistance from schools that parents sometimes experience. But they have to remember to also keep the focus on the child.

The major problem with making excuses and giving explanations is that it doesn't help the child learn to manage him or herself or to perform. Blame prevents you from seeing your child in an objective light. Let’s face it, parents have every reason to be afraid for kids who have behavioral problems or learning difficulties. Life is very demanding, and those demands start very early. Blaming and excuse-making go hand-in-hand, and they prevent you from understanding that no matter what the handicapping condition, no matter what the problem, each child has to learn to perform in a socially acceptable manner. Your child has to learn how to solve problems. They have to learn to interact socially as well as learn how to change and grow. It’s true that there are cases where kids have a harder time learning than others. But that should be no excuse, because your child is going to have to be able to perform when he becomes an adult, no matter what.

Excuses, Excuses: What’s Your Kid’s Excuse?
Children shouldn’t be allowed to blame other people, places or things for not meeting expectations or completing tasks. In reality, when a child blames someone else, he’s saying “It’s not my responsibility because I’m a victim of that person, label, or thing.” For instance, in the classic, “My dog ate my homework,” what the child is really saying is “I’m a victim of the dog, so I shouldn’t be held to the same standard as the other kids.” Make no doubt about it: kids who see themselves as victims and are allowed to perpetuate that rationale have a tough time achieving the very difficult milestones that early life development demands. When kids play the victim game with their parents or teachers, they should be told, “Blaming the dog doesn’t solve your problem. You need to have your homework done by the end of the day or you’ll get a zero.” Parents can also utilize that same analogy when dealing with social situations. “Blaming your sister for why you hit her doesn’t solve the problem of ‘no violence in our home,’ and you know the consequences for hitting.” And have your child perform those consequences immediately. Consequences for inappropriate behaviors should be clearly understood by everyone before incidents occur. Remember, consequences are the results of poor choices, and not the punishment for bad behavior.

On the other hand, when parents make excuses for their children, it’s a way that they minimize the problems their children are having. Often, excuses are simply the explanations. The parent sends a note to school saying, “Tommy wasn’t feeling well. Please accept his lateness to school.” That’s fine. But parents of children with behavioral problems are forced to make explanations every day, and these explanations transform into excuses for the child’s behavior. They excuse the child’s refusal to do schoolwork at home. They make excuses for the child fighting and arguing with other kids, both in and out of the house. They make excuses for the child’s rudeness. Some are very understandable: There’s been a divorce. Or there are family problems at home and the parents are having problems, which manifest themselves in the behavior of the children. Sometimes it’s a learning disability or mental health diagnosis that parents use to try to explain their kid’s unwillingness or inability to perform.

Let me begin by saying I have empathy for those parents who are dealing with kids who have behavioral and social disorders and learning disabilities. I encourage their efforts to get the right services for their children. Nonetheless, my experience from working with older children is that the validity of these handicapping conditions for explanations of inappropriate behavior or a lack of functioning skills become less and less meaningful as time goes by. No matter what the diagnosis is in early or middle childhood, these children have to grow up and learn to perform like adults.

It’s my experience that parents put a lot of effort into seeking the right diagnosis, looking to the diagnosis to change the behavior. I’ve had parents tell me triumphantly that their child has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or ADHD, as if that changes anything. It doesn’t. The bitter truth in this situation is that that child still needs to learn to perform. What happens in these cases is that parents identify their children as the victim, a victim of a learning disability, a victim of a mental health problem, which they use to make excuses for the child’s inappapropriate behavior and poor performance. The problem with “victim” thinking is that it lessens the expectation that the child will learn to take care of himself in the adult world. Know this: Adults with ADHD or bipolar disorder still have to get up every morning and go to work, get along with their colleagues, respect their supervisors, and perform and be productive. Kids with dyslexia, Asperger's syndrome, or other neurological impairments have to lead productive lives if they want to make it in society. There’s just no getting around that.

If you see your child as a victim, he will eventually see himself that way, too. This is perhaps the most treacherous part of blaming and excuse making, because it develops one of the worst possible perceptions in kids: “Since I’m a victim, the rules don’t apply to me.” Herein lies the real danger. There are rules that accompany learning. There are rules that accompany individual change. Children who don’t follow those rules often don’t learn and don’t change. And you’ll hear much too much focus on the child as "victim" and not the child as participant in his own education and maturation.

Let me be clear: excuse-making is not a sign of bad parenting. It’s simply ineffective. It’s very difficult for parents to be firm when their kids are having a harder time than other kids. But firmness is what it takes. My son has dyslexia. In school, that was a real impediment to his learning. Nonetheless, he had to do the work. We got him the help he needed when we could, but he still needed to learn to write and read and perform in the adult world. His dyslexia was a problem that he had to learn to solve and our job was to help him to learn to do that. Parents cannot solve their child’s behavioral and learning problems for them. They have to empower the child to do that themselves, and that starts with this thought: Stop seeing your child as a victim and blaming external situations for his individual predicament.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit

As a parent, there are moments when warning bells go off—times when you notice that your child might be having trouble grasping certain skills that their peers seem to have mastered. Over the course of my career as a teacher and child case worker, time and time again I’ve heard parents make statements like the following :

“I have been reading with my child, but he doesn't seem to understand what he has read.”

“I notice while we’re practicing spelling words, my daughter mixes up the letters, or writes them in reverse order.”

“My child just seems to drift away; she’s not really overly active, but she doesn’t seem to be paying attention.”

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? If so, you may want to start the process of getting some help with your child’s education. When your child is diagnosed with a disability, the rule of thumb for parents is: the earlier you can document the problem, the better.

Where to start?

Start by gathering information to support your concerns. Contact daycare providers, the child’s doctor, or anyone else who might be interacting with your child or knows them and may have observations to share. Are they seeing what you have noticed? Have them put something into writing. Then it’s time to contact your child’s school for help.

Put your concerns in a letter to your child’s school and be sure to include the date. Keep a copy of this letter in your files. This letter will start the “timeline” that documents the disability and need for extra support. Clearly state that the letter serves as a request for a multi-factored evaluation and that you are giving consent for this to take place, and be sure to clearly outline your observations and concerns.

Include copies of any documentation, evaluations or assessments that support those concerns. Also, describe any special or extra supports that the school may already be providing for your child.

Be sure to provide your contact information with your address, both day and night phone numbers, email and cell phone. Remember that a reasonable time frame for response would be (1-2 weeks), and address your letter to the principal and Special Education Coordinator of your school or district. By doing this, you have started the process for your child to get the help they need. There are timelines that each state must go by, but the final determination of what type of help they will provide should be made within 100 days.

The process may vary from state to state. You do have the right and responsibility to participate in any meetings with your school during the evaluation process. There should be several meetings: one to plan what evaluations will take place, which could include screenings, classroom observations, monitoring, consultations, assisted technology, and materials to support student achievement. Your child must be assessed in all areas associated with the suspected disability including an appropriate evaluation in the areas of: health, vision, hearing, social and emotional status, general intelligence, academic performance, communicative skills, and motor abilities.

The members of the team from the school will come together to review the results and determine if your child meets the criteria for services. The right to receive those services has been mandated under Federal Law—The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) provides that if school-aged children fall under one or more qualifying conditions or under Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, they should be eligible for support.

If your child is determined to be eligible, your child’s team will develop an “Appropriate” (which means equal to an education that is provided for those students who are not disabled) program that will be designed to provide an “educational benefit for a person with disabilities.” This covers all school age children who meet specific criteria who may fall under on or more qualifying conditions , ie autism, specific learning diabilities, speech /language impairments, emotional disturbance, traumatic brain injury, visual or hearing impairment, and other health impairment. Under IDEA, an Individual Educational Plan will be made. The name of this plan will vary from state to state, but it must be developed within 30 days. This plan will be reviewed on a yearly basis, to establish goals for your child’s education and the supports that will be provided. Your child will be re-evaluated every three years to determine eligibility for continuation of services.

A child may also receive services under Section 504, which has less specific procedural criteria under which school personnel and services are provided. Under Section 504, a child who meets the definition for qualified “handicapped person” may receive services,, such as a physical or mental handicap that substantially limits a major life activity. This would include a child who has a disability that impairs walking, seeing, hearing, speaking, learning, working, or caring for him or herself. 504 services cover a lifespan, and safeguard a person with disabilities in areas of school, employment, transportation and public access to buildings, among other things. If a 504 plan is developed, it will be reviewed periodically, usually annually, and the guidelines are more flexible.

What are my rights and responsibilities?

If your child is denied services, you have the right to request that an independent evaluation be done to assess your child’s needs. Under IDEA the school will be responsible for the expenses, while under 504 the parents would cover the costs. You may also appeal the decision under due process with the state education department. Each state may have a slightly different process—you can find out more about the process in your particular area by accessing the websites for the Department of Education for you state/province. Also check the yellow pages and web sites for advocacy groups for various disabilities in your area. They can be a strong support for parents during this process, and have materials that can help you on this journey.

Remember: You are your child’s advocate. You know your child better than anyone else at the table and it is your role to help develop the best educational supports to meet your child’s needs. You should be notified of any planning meetings scheduled for your child. Prepare for these meetings by making notes and doing research. Be ready to give your views: you are an important part of the planning process.

Build a file or binder about your child. Keep copies of all correspondence, (send important concerns by registered mail), evaluations, minutes of the meetings and your copy of the educational plan. This can become one of the most valuable documents in your child’s life. Most schools make sincere efforts to provide the education and services your child needs. But there may be times where you will need to push for things that you feel will make a difference for your son or daughter’s education.

Accommodations and supports may range from very minor changes to more restrictive or creative educational settings. Some supports may be as simple as alternative means of testing for your child, (oral testing, extended time to test, etc.) to employing a one-on-one aide who will support your child on the bus or in each class. The beauty of the team approach is the problem-solving and creative solutions that can be developed to meet the needs of your child. This is why it is called the individual education plan.

Remember we must “parent the child we have.” It is our job to advocate for the best education that can be provided for your child. You know your child, and you are their cheerleader and supporter. Your involvement in their education will make all the difference.

For more in-depth information about special education, see the National Information Center for Children and Youth with Disabilities (NICHY)

Jill Fletcher has a Master’s in Education and is a certified Assistant Principal. Jill also taught for five years in a special program for “Youth at Risk of Dropping Out of School” in New Brunswick, Canada.

The Truth About Bullies

The public perception of bullying is that bullies are acting out to cover their own fears. They may indeed be afraid, but accepting this as a reason makes bullies sound like victims of their fears -- like we're supposed to feel sorry for them and not hold them responsible for their abusive actions.

The issue is not whether bullies are afraid. Bullies bully other people to feel powerful around them and to feel power over them. Bullies start out feeling like zeroes, like nobodies. When they intimidate, threaten or hurt someone else, then they feel like somebody. The key is the feeling of power.

We often think of the child bully as being male, but the percentage of girls who intimidate their classmates and siblings is increasing dramatically. Bullying doesn't stop at the end of the school day, either. Whether bullies are at home, at school, or they’re threatening and intimidating other kids on the Internet, they're going to act out to make themselves feel powerful. Many kids who are bullies at school are bullies at home. The most common victims are their innocent siblings.

What are the consequences of bullying? You may have heard about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) when it comes to sexual victimization or assault. PTSD can occur any time people feel they have no control over the way their pain is delivered. They live in fear, not knowing when they're going to be hurt. Kids who are constantly bullied and not protected will develop symptoms of PTSD -- constant anxiety, constant fear, idiosyncratic behaviors to compensate for those feelings. They'll fall behind in their development.

Dealing with bullies requires holding them strictly accountable for the abusive, hurtful or disrespectful things that they do to feel powerful. They need to practice appropriate ways to feel powerful -- using social skills, articulating their feelings, communicating honestly with others and solving problems. Those skills are difficult to develop. It takes work; it’s like learning how to multiply or learning how to add. But it can be done. Holding bullies accountable for inappropriate behavior gives them boundaries and gives them a roadmap for doing that work.

If your child is a bully

If your child starts to exhibit bullying behavior, the first thing to do is realize it's something you need to address. You can't kid yourself that it will go away on its own. If adolescent bullies are not stopped, and not taught more appropriate ways to solve problems, they become abusive parents, spouses and bosses. We all feel powerless at times, but there are better ways to deal with that than to abuse other people.

You as the parent have to set a standard: No excuse for abuse. There's no excuse for cursing someone out, for breaking something, for hitting anyone. The bully always has an excuse, a way to justify this behavior. This justification is so powerful that it takes the place of empathy for the other person. That’s why you have to have a no-excuse standard.

A kid may curse out his sister and say foul things to her and then make up some justification about what she was doing to him -- "She went into my room again" or "She wouldn't get off the computer." Let the kid tell you the excuse, and then reiterate, "There's no excuse for abuse." Don't shut off communication, but don't validate the thinking errors that go into the justification of abusive actions. There should be consequences for abuse. Later, you can talk about appropriate ways to handle a problem.

If your child is bullied

If your child is a victim of bullying, it may be because he is the sort of child who has difficulty standing up for himself. Bullies look for easy targets, because that makes them feel powerful. If you can teach a child not to respond to bullying, to walk away, bullies are less likely to press that child.

The most effective strategies for dealing with bullies are "avoid" and "escape." These are things you can teach your children: Avoid bullies when you can. Walk away from them if they’re in your vicinity. If you’re being bullied and that doesn’t work, you need to get help from somebody who has more power than the bully. You shouldn’t have to fight because somebody else is a bully. Go to someone who has more power than the bully, like the teacher or the police. Teach your child that he has to hold that person responsible. Getting hit in school is still assault, and parents shouldn’t back off if that happens. You want the other kid’s parents down at the police station. You want them to be as uncomfortable as you are.

It hurts to be bullied, and this fact should never be minimized. Teachers, parents and school officials are sometimes inclined to say, "Well, they’re only kids. It happens." It shouldn’t happen, and it's adults' responsibility to provide a healthy environment for our children. The best schools are the ones who develop a zero tolerance for violence and zero tolerance for bullying, and parents should demand that and support it.

At the same time, if your child is experiencing abuse at the hands of another child, ask this question: "What would you find helpful?" Find out what your child would find helpful to improve the situation. Here’s why this is important. If a child is being bullied at school and his parents just take over the situation, then he's powerless on both ends. Be encouraging, give him a chance to work it out, offer some help and ideas. But also let him know that if it's still a problem, you're going to step in and protect him.


James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Does Your Child Say "You Can't Make Me!"

At times, children will verbally draw a line in the sand, stare you in the eye and say “You can’t make me.” When they say this, what they’re looking for is a fight, and it’s important not to give them one. By responding with “Oh yes I can,” there’s a threat implied, and it’s only going to further escalate the situation. You’re giving the child control by joining into the fight that you’ve been invited to. It’s important to remember not to engage the child on her level. Instead, respond to your child by taking your emotions out of the equation and focusing back on the matter at hand.

“You can’t make me!”

Translation: “I don’t want to do what you’re asking, and I’m looking to start a fight with you.”

Ineffective parenting response: “I can and I will if you don’t do it right now.”

Effective parenting response: “I’m not here to make you. But there will be consequences if you break the rules.”

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Stopping A Tantrum - Part 2 - Dealing With A Tantrum In Full Swing

What to Do When a Tantrum is in Full-Swing

Despite all of your attempts to avoid a temper tantrum, know that they will occur anyhow. What do you do when your child is in the middle of a tantrum and you’re stuck feeling helpless? Below are some tips to help:

* Do not give attention to the tantrum. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to try to help their child “work through” their tantrum. Behaviors associated with tantrums should not be acceptable to you or your family. As adults, we would not sit back and accept a person screaming, swearing, or throwing things at us, so we should not accept this from our children either. Children need to learn early on that when this behavior starts, they will be isolated from the rest of the family until they find more appropriate ways to act. When your child is done with their tantrum they may feel embarrassed or sad. This is a good time to talk about why their behavior was wrong and also ways to do better in the future. A lot of love, patience, and hugs can go a long way at this point.

* Take control of the situation. When a child is having a tantrum, they are signaling to you that they are out of control and helpless to rectify the situation. Although you may also feel helpless, this is the time to take control of the situation. Your child needs to see that you are confident and able to handle things. If you are at home, and the tantrum will not stop, place your child somewhere to ensure his safety until he can calm down.

Pick the same place and put your child there each and every time they cannot calm down. If you are in public, calmly tell your child you are leaving, even * if that means your shopping doesn’t get finished or you have to leave a play date. Children need to know that their parent is handling the situation for them when they are unable to do so themselves.

* Teach your child the importance of the word “No.” Don’t waffle when your child acts up as a way to avoid a confrontation or to stop a tantrum. Your child is brilliant at knowing how to get what they want from you. If you hesitate and give in even once when a tantrum starts, they have learned that tantrums will get them whatever they need in the future.

If your child is in full tantrum mode, tell them, “You can’t always get everything you want.” Follow up by removing them from the situation or isolating them temporarily until they calm down. Be firm and consistent and your child will learn that having a tantrum will not get their needs met.

Temper tantrums are a part of all of our lives, whether we are children or adults. Your job as a parent is to help your child recognize that the behaviors associated with a tantrum are not acceptable ways to act either at home or in public. A loving parent also helps their child through this phase by setting firm boundaries, creating consistent rules, and modeling for their child appropriate ways to act, both at home and in public. You may not be able to eliminate all temper tantrums from your lives, but you can create an environment that allows both you and your child to get through them together.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Stopping A Tantrum In It's Tracks - Part 1 - Prevention Is Better Than Curew

It’s a familiar scene: You’re standing in line at the grocery store, almost finished checking out. For the fourth time in a row, your child asks for a piece of candy strategically placed at kids’ eye-level in the checkout line. You’ve repeatedly said no, when suddenly, the tantrum starts. His legs and arms flail, and then he lets go with an ear-piercing scream and begins hitting the floor. Meanwhile, between muffled apologies and frantic bagging, you attempt to get as far away from the store as possible.

Why do children have such loud and embarrassing temper tantrums? And what can you as a parent do to help make them stop?

One important fact to recognize is that we all have temper tantrums occasionally. Think back to the last time you felt frustrated trying to get your printer to work. You may have thrown something, yelled out loud, or even sworn at it. This is basically an adult tantrum. The screaming, crying, and hitting that your young child shows is their version of a tantrum. Kids are no different than us; they get frustrated and angry too.

The first thing to keep in mind is that your child’s temper tantrums are not directed personally at you. Temper tantrums usually occur between one and three years of age, a time in your child’s development when they see themselves as the center of the universe, but older kids have temper tantrums too. Between the ages of four and seven, it’s not uncommon for children to yell, throw things, or just plain fall apart when they don’t get what they want.

In both cases, your child’s tantrums are all about the perceived lack of control of their surroundings, so try not to personalize them. While this may be difficult to do, remember, your child lacks the daily self-control that we adults take for granted. Temper tantrums are the only way your child knows how to express their frustration with the world around them.

One of the best things to do is curtail those tantrums before they ever begin. This may not always be possible, but below are some strategies that can help you nip tantrums in the bud:

• Give your young child some control over his life. Many times kids act up simply because they want a little more independence from you. From the time they wake up, begin giving them choices for little decisions such as whether they want toast or cereal for breakfast, or allowing them to choose which shoes to wear outside for the day. One thing to avoid, however, is giving your child an open-ended option to do something such as, “Do you want to brush your teeth?” because the answer will almost always be a resounding “NO!” Instead, consider offering your child two options, such as, “Would you like to brush your teeth now or after you put your socks on?”

• Think of ways to distract your child. Young children have a very short attention span. The average two year old will change the focus of their attention approximately every minute, so you can use this to your advantage if you feel a tantrum brewing. If you are at home, redirect your child to a new task or toy and calmly talk about something new. Before going out, bring a bag of distractions in case your child begins to squirm or reach for items you are not going to buy.
  

When you feel a tantrum coming on, take something out of the “fun bag” and offer it to your child. Examples can be a colorful notepad and a bag of bright markers, a small sack of their favorite action figures, an interactive picture book, a small musical recorder or radio, or, when all else fails, a small snack. Remember to rotate these items regularly so that your child does not tire of them. By using a steady, cheerful voice, you can distract your child from the object of their desire.

• Keep it quick. Understand that your child is not going to do well if you drag her on twelve errands in a row. Kids get tired and bored easily, and no amount of distractions will ward off a tantrum if they are tired, hungry or need a change of scenery.
  

Be aware of the signs that your young child is heading towards a melt down, such as whining, crying, or complaining. These behaviors are the red flags you will need to learn to recognize. When they occur, respect that your child may be unable to continue as planned and curtail your plans for the day. Consider hiring a babysitter or trading off play dates with another parent so you can get through your weekly errands quickly.

• The attention factor. Lastly, remember that kids often have temper tantrums because they are not getting enough attention. Children are smart and know that even negative attention, including a parent scolding them, is better than no attention at all. Work hard at recognizing the times when your young child is doing something well and comment on it. If you can, set aside some special time each day for an activity--even if it is a short one--whether it be doing a puzzle together, story time or taking a short walk with your child. This rewards your child for their positive behavior and makes them strive for better behavior in the future.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

What To Do When Your Child Doesn't Want To Go To School

Nearly every morning before school, Josh, 9, will scream, cry and do anything possible to stay home. “He’ll whine on and on, ‘I don’t feel well. I hate my teacher. School is boring,” say his parents, Suzanne and Rob, who report that they have hit the wall with his behavior. “He used to like school,” said Suzanne. “I’m not sure what happened, but in the last few years it’s become a battle just to get him out the door.”

If you’re a parent, it’s almost inevitable that you’re going to be faced with your child not wanting to go to school at some point. The most important thing is that you identify the problem correctly. Is it workload, peer pressure, or your child’s individual way of coping?

It’s vital for parents to look at your child’s situation closely: does he require more sleep or is there a social problem? Or is this a kid who lacks sufficient problem-solving skills to help him solve the problem of getting out of bed when he doesn’t want to? Sometimes kids are afraid of a bully, and actually, avoiding school is one of the first signs that your child is being bullied, so be sure to investigate that possibility.

And there are other kids who just don’t want to respond to structure and who have a hard time with authority. Not going to school becomes another avenue of acting out for them. In all of these cases, it’s important for you to understand that the kid’s refusal to go to school is his way of solving a problem that’s real to him. As we see over and over again with some children, the way they solve problems gets them into more trouble. That’s why it’s very important that you help your child develop problem-solving skills on his or her own, so that when problems arise on any level over anything, your child will be able to think of a way to figure it out successfully.

Your child may also complain of being bored of school. Some research indicates that when some kids say they’re bored, that they’re actually mildly angry. And you know, kids do get angry with school, it is boring sometimes. But parents have to be able to tell their kids that it’s their responsibility to go to school. You need to say, “You have to go to school even when you’re bored. That’s your responsibility. It’s not about your mood, it’s your responsibility. If you want it to be less boring, find some more interesting things to do there to balance it out.”

It’s about Motivation and Consequences (Just like it is with Adults)

The truth is, millions of people get up and go to work every day. One way of seeing it is that these people have solved the problem of going to work successfully. The reason they’ve solved their problem is because they’ve developed a constellation of problem-solving skills that help them function successfully in the real world.

When we look at adult problem-solving skills, two things stand out: motivation and consequences. The motivation is why they have to go to work. They have to feed their family, they have to feed themselves. They work harder to have a nicer car, nicer clothes, to go out at night. These are motivations. The consequences are if they don’t get up and go to work, they lose their job. Over time, they lose many jobs and they wind up in trouble socially and economically.

The same motivation and consequences apply to your child when he doesn’t want to go to school, and you need to teach that to him now. As the parent, you have a two-part goal: to get that kid go to school and to help or him identify and solve the problem associated with him not wanting to go to school.

Motivation is pretty easy because it’s easy to reward people. What I say to parents is to tell their kids something like this, “If you get up on time, you’ll be able to stay up until 9 p.m. You’ll be able to listen to your radio after bedtime to help you go to sleep, or if you get up on time, you can have an hour in your room to relax and you won’t have to have lights-out right at bedtime.” At all times, parents should connect getting up for school on time with good grades and good performance and give kids lots of approval for that. In fact, one thing a parent might say to a kid is, “I really like it that you get up well in the morning. Do you ever feel like not getting up? What do you tell yourself when you don’t feel like getting up?” You’ll learn how your child thinks and how he solves the problem.

Giving consequences can be just as simple. The key is not getting into a power struggle with the child, and connecting the consequence to the situation. It’s also important to start using consequences at an early age when the child resists going to school. Sometimes consequences involve withholding something, like not letting the child stay up later, and sometimes they involve enforcing something. “You haven’t gotten up on time all week, so for the next week, your bedtime is an hour earlier. And if you get up on time, we can talk about you going back to the schedule we had before, but right now you’re going to have to show me.”

If your child has a problem with getting up in the morning, certainly TV, video games and cell phone time should be taken away and consequences should be given by withholding them or limiting the time your child can have with these things.

Set New Limits and Let the Child Face Natural Consequences

Not going to school is the symptom of a bigger problem sometimes. The kid is not meeting his responsibilities overall in school and at home. Several things need to be noted here: it’s important how parents communicate to kids about responsibilities. It has a lot to do with how seriously they take their responsibilities today.

Parents of kids who resist and fight going to school should be looking at a whole new way of communicating with their kids and a whole new approach to responsibility in the home. Ask yourself: “Does my child resist me on most things I ask him to do? Does he meet assigned responsibilities in the home? Does he have fairly unlimited access to things like video games and computer games?” If the answer is yes, it’s probably time to set limits on these things so that you can use them as a consequence or a reward for getting up and going to school. Believe it or not, it can be done. It’s easier than parents think to restructure how to do things with their kids.

A few quick tips: Don’t try to have a serious discussion in the morning about the getting up problem with a child who won’t get up. That’s not the time they can learn new problem-solving skills. They’re too busy justifying their excuses and fighting with you. That problem-solving discussion should take place later. Second, if getting up becomes a chronic problem, parents have to accept that there are consequences imposed by the school and society, not just by the family. You should let the child be late and not give an excuse. Write a note saying: “He wouldn’t get out of bed, please hold him accountable for his lateness.” If that means a detention, that’s great. You should not protect your kids from consequences. Older kids who miss class are going to fail, and that’s a consequence in itself.

So this week, if your child won’t get out of bed or throws a fit again about going to school, think about these three things. First, it’s important to correctly identify the problem. Problem-solving skills require problem-identifying skills. Parents who are not equipped to do this should seek cognitive-behavioral oriented help. Secondly, parents need to decide what motivational tools they can use to reward kids who get out of bed on time consistently, which to me says that they solved the problem of getting out of bed successfully. And third, don’t be afraid to use and enforce consequences and limits. There are consequences to not meeting responsibilities in the world, and that should start when you’re a child. And the difference between punishment and consequences needs to be understood by parents in order for them both to be used effectively.

Where Does Accountability Ultimately Lie?

I want to focus on two things here: With younger children chronically refusing to get out of bed, parents should try to involve the school system or community- based in home intervention resources to give them support in dealing with this problem.

With older children and teenagers, the same supports should be sought; however, often teenagers will resist even higher levels of intervention if they have a pattern of oppositionality and defiance. While parents should confront this with all the resources at their command, they must also work on accepting that teens and young adults in our society feel empowered by both the media and their own youth culture. Parents may actually be disempowered when it comes to getting their kids to meet certain functions or go to school.

In this case, you should seek a stronger type of intervention for your home, and also accept that as children become teenagers they develop the power to resist parental efforts and sometimes they actually choose to fail. I have known many young people who have gone back to school to get GEDs, night school diplomas, trade school certificates and college degrees after failing out of school.

Parents should work on accepting that as children become teenagers and young adults, the responsibility, the accountability and the social consequences fall more to your kids than to you. As a parent, do the very best you can, and then accept what you have no control over.

Parents may often feel alone in dealing with these types of power struggle behaviors in the home. Frankly, in many cases, they are alone. The youth culture—and the professionals who have bought into the youth culture—promotes the concept that kids should not be held accountable for not meeting their responsibilities.

It’s irrational to think that kids are going to do the hard work it takes to learn the skills they need to survive as adults without some clear motivation/consequence system in their lives. As a society, and certainly as an educational culture, we have accepted the myth that kids don’t benefit from being held sternly accountable. The acceptance of this myth is part of the theory base that is producing and accepting so much mediocrity in our teenagers and young adults. Easy for us, too bad for them.


James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Is It Just A Phase?

Q: Why do parents tend to dismiss inappropriate behavior as “a phase?”

James: When a child is between 18 months and two years old, they’ll start to walk away and say "no" to their parent. The child is practicing a new skill. Parents call it a phase because eventually, the “no” goes away and the child starts to operate within the guidelines of the family. When parents see things they can’t explain, they call it a phase. Parents are very prepared to tolerate phases. But they’re not prepared to tolerate inappropriate behavior. So they label it a “phase” because that makes it easier for them to accept it.

Parents tolerate phases in adolescents in order to accommodate their kids. The sort of phase we’re talking about starts at around age twelve. There’s more testing of authority and testing of limits. You hear, “I just wanna talk to my friends.” “I just wanna stay in my room.” Kids spend more time instant messaging and wanting a cell phone. Parents see this correctly as a phase. And at first, they accommodate this. Most parents who are secure about their parenting will understand this and accept it. We see enough of this in our culture—on TV and in magazines—for parents to understand that this is something adolescents and pre-adolescents go through.

What tends to happen, though, is that some kids start to violate family norms, and parents tend to deny that this is separate from the phase. Saying “This isn’t fair,” and stomping off to your room a couple of times is a phase. Calling your mother filthy names is not. Saying “I only wanna talk to my friends about this. They’re they only ones who understand,” is a phase. Getting high on drugs or alcohol is not.

Q: If the behavior is inappropriate, does it matter whether or not it’s a phase?

James: No, it doesn’t. I think the most important thing parents need to know about phases is it’s important to the child as well as the parent to maintain appropriate standards and boundaries through the phase. So, we set up situations where the child can act out the need for independence or act out the challenge of authority without being destructive, abusive to others or self-abusive. So parents can say, “If you don’t like what’s going on, feel free to go to your room. Feel free to say what you don’t like.” Parents should even accommodate this by giving kids time to say it. I think one of the most effective techniques is to tell your kids that at 7 pm, we’ll sit down and talk about the things you think aren’t fair. And then we’ll go from there. Because then when the kid starts to escalate, you can say, “Save it for seven o’clock.” That way, you have a problem-solving time set aside.

But if the kid starts to call his mother and father all these disrespectful names or call his sister or brother foul, sexual names, I think that’s not a phase. That’s abusive behavior. And it needs to be stopped.

The task of adolescence is individuation. And sometimes adolescents are so uncomfortable with this task that they’ll use hostility and abuse to accomplish that. Parents have to maintain the standards during those times. There’s no excuse for abuse. That’s not a phase. Deal with it as a violation of family rules. Not as a moral issue, not as something to panic about. It’s a violation of family rules, and this is how we have to deal with it. Parents should have clear sets of consequences for this so they can manage it.

Q: How do you know when to address a certain behavior, instead of hoping the child grows out of it?

James: If it’s hurting the person who’s doing it or hurting other family members, people in society, teachers and other students in school, it needs to be addressed. Adolescence is a phase where you start out as a dependent child. It’s called the “latency age, “and you end up as an adult, usually in college. Adolescence doesn’t end with adolescence.

That phase of development lasts into the early twenties, and there are different earmarks for the different parts of that phase. For instance: “I can only talk about this with my friends.” “I wanna look hot.” “I’ve gotta look cool.” And then you’ll see a slow shift to the next phase where they want to date and be popular.

Then you’ll see a slow shift to the next phase where they individuate themselves from other teenagers. So, at age twelve, it’s me and all teens. At age seventeen, it’s me and my group.

During this period, it’s important for parents to understand that if kids gravitate toward a negative subculture, there’s a problem there. In other words, if kids start hanging out with kids who get high all the time, they’re getting high, and they’ll lie to you about it. But worse than that, they’re seeking a subculture that doesn’t expect anything else out of them, except that they get high.

If you hang out with people who play soccer, they expect you to practice. They expect you to stay healthy. They expect you to show up for games. They expect you to be a team player. There’s a cluster of expectations that kids in other groups have. If you’re part of the chess team, there’s an expectation cluster. If you’re part of the honor society, there’s an expectation cluster. If you’re part of a church group, there’s an expectation cluster.

When kids gravitate toward groups that don’t have any other expectations for them, except that they’re juvenile delinquents or they shoplift or they get high, parents should take alarm at that.

Q: So, if you’ve got a situation that is violating family norms, what’s the best way to address it with your child?

James: If you want to talk to kids about these things, I think first you want to choose a time when things are going well. Not when they’re going badly. And you want to choose a neutral setting. It shouldn’t be at the dinner table. It shouldn’t be in the kid’s room. It shouldn’t be in your bedroom. Pick some place quiet in the living room, where there aren’t other kids around. Begin by telling your kids what you see.

Not what you think or what you feel. What you see. "I see your grades going down. I found cigarette rolling papers in your room. I see that you’re not hanging out with the kids who play soccer anymore, and you used to love soccer. And I’m wondering what’s going on. What do you see?" And ask the kid what they see. That should start a discussion, and it should be an interview format, in which the parent is conducting an interview, not a sharing conversation like they would with one of their friends. This isn’t, “I feel, you feel.” This should be an interview: "This is what I see going on. What’s up?"

The kid may turn away. The kid may say, “None of your business.” The kid may run a lot of excuses. But the parent has to calmly keep the focus on what they’re seeing and what they want to change. And how they can be helpful. Again, the kid may not change, but the parent has planted the seed and met their obligation. And they can have those conversations once or twice a week.

Your kids are going to accept a much wider range of differences than you will as a parent. For a lot of those, you just have to have it established with your kids that these are the rules, and whoever your friends are, this is how you have to behave, and this is what’s appropriate in our home. "You can have friends with nose rings and eye rings, but you’re not going to have any of those. And as long as we don’t have to fight about that, there’s no problem."

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

What To Do When Your Child Calls The Teacher An Idiot

Does Your Child Say This?
"My Teacher's an Idiot"

Almost every kid will eventually have a teacher they don’t like, but that’s not an excuse for them to refuse to follow the rules of the classroom. When you side with your children in this scenario, believe it or not, you are actually undermining your own authority in the process. The bottom line is that it’s a mistake to denigrate authority figures with your children, even if you agree with them. Keep the focus on the matter at hand, and off your child's feelings about their teacher. Read on to see how James Lehman advises you to handle the situation.

“My teacher’s an idiot. I hate her.”

Translation: I don’t like my teacher. Therefore, I don’t have to comply with what she asks me to do.

Ineffective parenting response: “Yeah, she’s really a jerk sometimes. You’ve still got to listen to her, though.”

Effective parenting response: “It doesn’t help to call the teacher names. What can we do to get your work done on time?”

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html