Does Your Child Say This "I Forgot"

Is your child’s answer to everything, “I forgot?” The fact of the matter is, sometimes children do forget, and certainly a reminder from the parent to do their work or complete a task is appropriate. But when kids use “I forgot” on a regular basis, it becomes a way to justify irresponsible behavior. As an excuse, “I forgot” means the child is avoiding a certain task or responsibility which they don’t feel they can perform and don’t know how to get help with. Or it could be because they’re being lazy and don’t care about it. Laziness causes as much irresponsible behavior on the part of children as any other explanation. Sometimes laziness can be interpreted as “I’m tired and I don’t feel like it.” Sometimes laziness can be interpreted as “My life’s not going to get better anyway, why should I try?” In either case, laziness doesn’t empower the child to take care of business.
So when your child says “I forgot,” you have to say, “Forgetting is not an excuse to justify not doing something.”

Child: “I forgot!”

Translation: “I don’t feel like it.” Or ”Why should I try?”

Ineffective response: You didn’t forget! You’re just saying that because you’re lazy.”

Effective response: “Not forgetting is your responsibility. I’ll help you learn ways to not forget, such as creating an assignment book for school, or using cue cards to prompt you for the next task. If you’d like, I’ll help you develop a list. But you are responsible for remembering what it is you need to do.”

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Do You Tiptoe Around Your Child? - Part 3

This is the last in a 3 part blog post.

How You Can Stop Tiptoeing around Your Child Right NOW!!

Tiptoeing is giving in to the child’s behavioral blackmail. What happens is that the child will give signals when he doesn’t like what’s going on. When he’s asked to do something he doesn’t want to do. Or when he’s asked to stop something he’s doing. Tiptoeing means giving in when he gives those signals. You read the signals and change your demands. Not giving in is a matter of keeping the expectations firm and consistent even when he starts to escalate.

An example of escalation is when you tell the child to do their homework. They say “No!” and slam their book down on the table. Instead of giving in, give it a minute, and remind him that if he doesn’t start now, he’ll lose a minute of computer time. You can leave the room or wait a minute. Take that time to build yourself up, and then explain what the consequences of his actions will be. If he continues to escalate, tell him he’ll lose any time he could have had on the computer that evening. That’s how they’re going to learn. The parent should avoid yelling and avoid overt conflict.

Your tone should be firm and businesslike, not unpleasant. Often with these kids their behavior will escalate when they’re being told to do something. So it’s not accepting those cues or giving them any attention at all, and then redirecting the child, giving him a minute to calm down.

The truth is, parents can get into patterns that become increasingly more ineffective as the child gets older. Parents want to do the right thing, but sometimes they’re overwhelmed and they take shortcuts. Before they know it, the kid is nine, twelve or sixteen and he’s got them backed into the corner. But parents should not expect less of a child because of the behavioral blackmail and they shouldn’t accept less.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Do You Tiptoe Around Your Child? - Part 2

This is part 2 of a 3 part blog post on dealing with explosive emotional reactions in your ADD/ADHD Child

The More Timid You Are Around Him, the More Power He Senses Over You

Here’s the bottom line about walking on eggshells around your child. If you tiptoe around him, the child senses that he has power over you, and he will use that power increasingly to manipulate you. As parents, we have to turn that misplaced “power” into life skills. To do this, you have to set a firm limit and then do skill building to teach him how to solve his problems appropriately.

Part of the problem parents have is that they set the limits without doing the skill building. They put the hammer down after the child acts out, but they don’t show the child how to act appropriately. If you don’t want the child to act out at the mall, it’s not enough just stop taking him to the mall. You need to take him to the mall and then teach him skills on how not to act out when things don’t go his way. In The Total Transformation Program, I teach parents how to set limits, and I also give them the tools for skill building and show them how to build those skills with their children. If you do this with your child, you don’t have to “walk softly” around him anymore. You can simply communicate with him.

A kid with behavior problems becomes a tyrant who assigns everybody certain roles. To tiptoe around a child means to conform to the roles that the child assigns everyone in your home. So his siblings are his victims. One parent is the martyr. One parent is the boogeyman. The child assigns all these roles to the family members, and, without thinking too much about it, they fall into those roles because if they play these parts, the child doesn’t act out.

So if you’re the martyr, your child basically created that role for you and is saying, “I won’t direct my acting out at you. I’ll direct it to the school. If you don’t want me to act out toward you, you just have to keep blaming the school. Once you start to hold me responsible, I’m going to act out against you.” So you can see why so many parents find it easier to fight the school than to fight their child.

Some kids send their parents this message: “If you buy me things, I won’t act out against you.” So, they don’t act out with the deep pockets parent, and they rebel against the parent who can’t buy them things. Deep pockets parenting is essentially tiptoeing around your child. To avoid confrontation with him, you buy him things.

Let’s be honest. We all tiptoe around each other to some degree. If somebody’s upset, that’s not the time to tease him. If somebody’s embarrassed or humiliated about something, that’s not the time to be sarcastic and rude. But these kids teach you to tiptoe around them in all cases where there’s some demand that they perform appropriately. They want to have the choice and the power. They want to be able to say, “Hey, if I feel like doing it I will. But if I don’t, don’t you try to make me.”

Remember: our basic theory is that kids use behavior to compensate for poor problem solving skills. So if you have a kid who has not solved the problem of authority, the problem of give and take with others, the problem of getting along with people, or the problem of respecting adults, your child will develop these different power behaviors to avoid learning these essential problem solving skills.

To change this behavior, parents need a process through which they draw the line and then they start to follow it. But they also need to develop more skill building and a consequence structure that is geared toward skill building and not just punishment. They need a new set of glasses through which to see their child’s behavior, and a new way to talk to their child.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Do you Tiptoe Around Your Child - part 1

“It was always like walking on eggshells around here. Very tense,” says Josephine, mother of 17-year-old Jamie. “She was totally disrespectful and condescending and I was ready to throw her out.”

Josephine recalls how her “blood was always boiling” at home because her daughter’s unending anger stoked her own anger, and she dreaded the next behavioral eruption. “I would ask her to do things rather than tell her to do things just so I wouldn’t set her off. I’d get drawn into these screaming matches and the ‘Why? Why? Why?’

Now that I’ve realized how I need to be communicating with her, and what to say to her, I haven’t raised my voice and we haven’t argued in weeks.”

There’s a difference between being considerate of your child and tiptoeing around him. We all want to be considerate of our children. If there are things that our child has to face in life that are upsetting to him, then we want to be considerate in terms of the intensity and frequency of how often he has to experience it in order to build up a tolerance. So, that means if the child can’t swim, per se, don’t throw him in the pool. But work with him on what he finds challenging and talk about it so that he builds up more of a tolerance and a skill base.

But let’s talk about tiptoeing around kids who are very reactive in a negative way. When we start tiptoeing, then we’re talking about being afraid to ask the kid to do routine responsibilities or to meet age appropriate expectations because we’re afraid of that child’s reaction. When we do this, it sets up a primary effect and a secondary effect. The primary effect is that the parent knows the kid’s going to act out at the mall, so they tiptoe around him at the mall and give in to his whims and demands because he’s thrown tantrums there in the past. The secondary effect is, the parent stops going to the mall altogether. So first they tiptoe and then they stop activities completely. Think about your own life with your child. Have you stopped going out to eat with your family because your child or children won’t behave? Have you stopped doing to relatives’ houses or do you make excuses why you “can’t make it” because you’re afraid of how the kids will act? That’s tiptoeing around your child.

The More Timid You Are Around Him, the More Power He Senses Over You

Here’s the bottom line about walking on eggshells around your child. If you tiptoe around him, the child senses that he has power over you, and he will use that power increasingly to manipulate you. As parents, we have to turn that misplaced “power” into life skills. To do this, you have to set a firm limit and then do skill building to teach him how to solve his problems appropriately.

Part of the problem parents have is that they set the limits without doing the skill building. They put the hammer down after the child acts out, but they don’t show the child how to act appropriately. If you don’t want the child to act out at the mall, it’s not enough just stop taking him to the mall. You need to take him to the mall and then teach him skills on how not to act out when things don’t go his way. In The Total Transformation Program, I teach parents how to set limits, and I also give them the tools for skill building and show them how to build those skills with their children. If you do this with your child, you don’t have to “walk softly” around him anymore. You can simply communicate with him.

A kid with behavior problems becomes a tyrant who assigns everybody certain roles. To tiptoe around a child means to conform to the roles that the child assigns everyone in your home. So his siblings are his victims. One parent is the martyr. One parent is the boogeyman. The child assigns all these roles to the family members, and, without thinking too much about it, they fall into those roles because if they play these parts, the child doesn’t act out.

So if you’re the martyr, your child basically created that role for you and is saying, “I won’t direct my acting out at you. I’ll direct it to the school. If you don’t want me to act out toward you, you just have to keep blaming the school. Once you start to hold me responsible, I’m going to act out against you.” So you can see why so many parents find it easier to fight the school than to fight their child.

Some kids send their parents this message: “If you buy me things, I won’t act out against you.” So, they don’t act out with the deep pockets parent, and they rebel against the parent who can’t buy them things. Deep pockets parenting is essentially tiptoeing around your child. To avoid confrontation with him, you buy him things.

Let’s be honest. We all tiptoe around each other to some degree. If somebody’s upset, that’s not the time to tease him. If somebody’s embarrassed or humiliated about something, that’s not the time to be sarcastic and rude. But these kids teach you to tiptoe around them in all cases where there’s some demand that they perform appropriately. They want to have the choice and the power. They want to be able to say, “Hey, if I feel like doing it I will. But if I don’t, don’t you try to make me.”

Remember: our basic theory is that kids use behavior to compensate for poor problem solving skills. So if you have a kid who has not solved the problem of authority, the problem of give and take with others, the problem of getting along with people, or the problem of respecting adults, your child will develop these different power behaviors to avoid learning these essential problem solving skills.

To change this behavior, parents need a process through which they draw the line and then they start to follow it. But they also need to develop more skill building and a consequence structure that is geared toward skill building and not just punishment. They need a new set of glasses through which to see their child’s behavior, and a new way to talk to their child.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Are you the Good Cop or the Bad Cop

If you and your spouse take opposing roles in dealing with your kids, you’re not alone. Many parents take on the roles of “good cop” and “bad cop” in the family. For instance, Dad is the kid’s best buddy, and mom is the nag. Or dad is strict and mom is a sympathizer.

Which “cop” is right? And should you be a cop at all?

I see two problems with the notion of good cop/bad cop parenting. First, is the very idea that somebody has to be a “cop” all the time. Parents don’t need to be cops. They simply need to be coaches and teachers for their children.

Second, what’s really happening when parents become good cops and bad cops is that the kids have learned to split their parents. The area of the split is where kids go to get out of meeting their responsibilities.

For example, Tommy goes to mom and says, “Dad’s making me clean my room before we go to the mall.” Or he says to mom, “Why do I have to clean my room? Dad doesn’t make me do it.” When your child makes complaints like this, both parents have to be supportive of each other. You have to be able to say, “These are the rules Dad and I both have, and you have to do it or you’re going to be held responsible for the consequences.” Then turn around and walk away. That’s it. Give simple statements of support. The more unified you are as parents, the more likely your child is to complete his responsibilities, because he doesn’t have another way out. The only way out is to act responsibly and do what’s asked of him.

But what if you don’t really agree with what Dad is asking Tommy to do? If you have a problem with a rule or limit your spouse sets or a request that’s being made of your kid, don’t make a face. Don’t sigh. And, by all means, don’t argue with your spouse about the issue in front of the child…or even indicate that you are going to argue. Just tell your child he has to do what’s been asked of him. Then talk with your spouse later, after the kids have gone to bed and out of earshot. This is important, because kids pick up on non-verbal cues from their parents a lot more than you think. If your child sees that you disagree with what’s being asked of him, he’ll bring up the issue again and again, to split you and your spouse and to avoid meeting the responsibility.

Simple statements of support work when you use them consistently. When Tommy complains that Dad won’t let him play Runescape before he does his homework, and you say, “Your father said you can’t play Runescape until you do your homework. That’s the rule,” you can bet Tommy will stop trying to split you and your spouse.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

What To Do When Your Child Says She Hates You.

Does Your Child Say This? "I hate you."

Of all the weapons in your child’s arsenal, the words “I hate you” can have the power to reduce any parent to tears or anger. Children know that saying this can paralyze a parent during a fight, which is why they use this tactic to get what they want. In this month’s issue, James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, demonstrates how to focus the argument back on the issue at hand, and reduce the emotional sting of your child’s words in the process.

“I hate you!”

Translation: You won’t let me go out tonight, so I’m going to talk hatefully to you so you’ll get upset and give in.

Ineffective parenting response: “I hate you sometimes, too!”

Effective parenting response: “Maybe sometimes you do hate me. But I’m still not letting you go out tonight.”

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Does Your Child Say This? "Whatever."

Does Your Child Say This? "Whatever."

Kids generally say “whatever” to their parents when they’ve already lost the argument. It’s a final attempt to push the parent’s button and to get back at you in some small way for something that your child doesn’t like. Your best bet is to ignore it. If a kid says "whatever," the odds are that the point has already been decided and you’re in charge of the situation. "Whatever" is their way of trying to save a little face. If you’ve come out on top, don’t compromise your position by letting them draw you into an argument. To challenge it is not effective. If you give it power, you’re losing the ground that you’ve already gained.

Child: “Whatever.”

Translation: “It doesn’t bother me/I don’t care and it doesn’t matter.”

Ineffective response: “What do you mean, ‘whatever?’ Let me tell you something, young lady…”

Effective response: Ignore it, smile and turn around and walk away. You’ve already won the fight.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Sibling Rivalry -part 2

This is part 2 of a 2 part blog post on Sibling Rivalry

4. Develop a culture of accountability in your family.

I’ll hear parents say the “bad kid” is teaching the younger children how to misbehave. When the younger children act out, the “bad kid” gets blamed for that too. As James Lehman says in the Total Transformation Program, it is important to develop a “Culture of Accountability” in our families. Teach your children that they, not an older sibling, are accountable for their own behaviors.

5. Don’t make the mistake of ignoring the child who behaves well.

Always having to be the “good kid” is problematic too. Watch out that the child who is behaving appropriately is not ignored. Remember that behaviors that are ignored decrease, while behaviors which receive attention increase. So pay a lot of attention to good behavior, using James Lehman’s Strategic Recognition and Affection technique (See The Total Transformation, Lesson 4).

6. As parents, Role Model how to resolve problems and disagreements in respectful and non-aggressive ways.

You set the strongest example for your children. Have fun times together as a family. Try to eat dinner together without the TV on. While you're watching a movie, playing catch or a board game, you can Role Model peaceful ways to spend time together as a family. Show them how to resolve an argument amicably, as parents.

7. Treat each child as an individual.

Finally, sibling rivalry is about the competition for parental attention and approval. Reduce the competition by treating each child as a unique individual and giving each child your attention and your affection. Make sure each parent spends time with each child alone, doing something the child enjoys. Some mothers and fathers have a monthly “date” with each child individually. Remember that one of the best ways to combat sibling rivalry is to tell your child why you love them, what makes them unique in your eyes, and why they are special to you.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

Sibling Rivalry - Good Kids vs Bad Kid Part 1

Frequently, I receive calls on the Parental Support Line involving sibling rivalry conflicts. An important thing to remember is that sibling rivalry is a normal emotional state in children. Children compete with each other for their parent’s approval and affection. In fact, adult children still can feel competitive about their parents’ attention. One of our jobs as parents is to teach siblings how to get along with each other. After all, we want them to continue to have a successful relationship when they are adults.

Here are some specific ways to cut down on the sibling rivalry in your household:

1. Don’t choose between your children.
During sibling conflicts, parents should coach the children on how to solve the problem of getting along with each other instead of deciding who is “right” and who is “wrong.” Choosing between your children just increases the rivalry.

If a child comes to you with a complaint about another, coach them how to go back and solve the problem. For example, if one child is complaining that their sibling won’t get off the computer, suggest that they go back to their sibling and make a request instead of a demand. “I’ve got a special project due that will take about two hours. Can we figure out what time I can use the computer for this?”

Don’t decide who’s right or wrong. Remember, The Total Transformation Program tells us we do not need to attend every argument we’re invited to. That can include being asked to join an argument between the siblings. Instead, help your kids develop skills to compromise, to be fair, and to take turns. Develop family systems of how to share. Kitchen timers or odd and even numbered days can help with taking turns. And teach kids skills to calm and soothe themselves while they wait for their turn, like deep breathing, reading a book, or doing some exercise.

2. Don’t place your child in the role of “good kid” or “bad kid.”
Be aware of placing your children into certain roles. Be especially careful not to have one child in the role of the “bad kid” and the other the “good kid.” No child is all bad or all good. The “bad kid” is very likely to be jealous of the parental approval the “good kid” receives. At times this gets the better of him and he attacks the child whom the parents perceive as being the “good” one. Sometimes it is an unprovoked attack, but usually it is not. Anyone involved in a conflict very likely shares some responsibility.

I’ve heard parents tell of stories of the “bad kid” attacking the “good kid,” but after investigating these stories with the parent, it becomes clear that the “good kid” had something to do with setting up the “bad kid.” I received a call from a parent wanting to know an effective consequence to use on her son. She had two boys, one of whom was always causing trouble. This “bad kid” had just physically attacked his brother in the laundry room. She was only interested in consequences for this bad kid behavior.

After discussing everything that occurred between the brothers in the laundry room, it turned out that they were arguing over who was to do their laundry at that moment and the “good kid” had taken the “bad kid’s” clothes from the washer and thrown them onto the floor. The “bad kid” is usually the only one who gets punished in these situations. A danger in labeling a child as the “bad kid” is that they will give up trying to do anything right because they are always blamed for any problems among the siblings.

The “good kid” gets a lot of satisfaction from this and reinforcement from the parent from their “good kid” role. Sometimes the “bad kid” is the most emotionally honest of the children. That’s why it’s so important not to decide who’s right or wrong during a conflict, but to challenge your children to find a way to get along with each other.

3. Brush off the teasing or else "Stop the Show."
Another common problem among siblings is teasing. Help them deal with teasing by teaching them to ignore the teasing, to ‘kid back’ or agree with the teasing in a humorous way: When a sibling says, “You stink!” They can reply, “Why thank you. That’s what I was going for.” So again, it’s best to challenge your children to work it out between themselves, and if they cannot, require that both children Stop the Show (See The Total Transformation, Lesson 4) and take a break until they can resume interacting together in an acceptable way. If the conflict turns physical or the kids’ fighting continues to escalate, separate them until they're calm. If you need to instruct them how to handle a situation more effectively, wait until everyone has calmed down.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation
Program for parents.

He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information,
visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html

What To Do When Your Child Demands Something Now

Does Your Child Say This? "I want it now."

Do you dread the threat of a temper tantrum, and feel like you give in to your child’s demands in order to avoid an outburst? In this month’s issue, James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, shows you how to defuse a tantrum by using an effective response aimed at teaching your child that acting out is not the way to meet his needs.

“I want it NOW…” followed by a tantrum.
Translation: If I escalate my behavior, you’ll give in, and I’ll get the cookie. I know. I’ve seen you do it before.

Ineffective parenting response: “Sarah, stop it! I said stop it! Here…(gives Sarah a cookie) now be quiet!”

Effective parenting response: “Don’t act that way. It won’t help you get the cookie.” Then turn around and walk away.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.maximindpower.com/TotalTransformationProgram.html